The Practical Guide to … Escaping The Zombie Apocalypse
For most horror film fanatics, it’s not a case of if the zombie apocalypse is going to spark the downfall of humanity; it’s a case of when. While the well-prepared are stocking up on tinned food and bottled water in anticipation of the coming hoards, those who are caught short during the inevitable outbreak are almost certain to fall victim to the shuffling, moaning (and quite frankly, a bit smelly) army of the undead.
At We Buy Any Car we specialise in 2 things: Giving cracking prices to people looking to sell their motors, and kicking some major zombie butt. So, today we’re listing common forms of transport and which are best-suited to get you the heck away from those freaky flesh-eaters!
The average family car is perfect for packing up your camping gear and taking the family on a weekend to Skegness, but what happens when the mother-in-law turns into a flesh-hungry monster?
Once you’ve laid the smack down on your other half’s mangled mother, it’s time to collect your essentials and skip town before the outbreak gets out of hand. All things considered, the traditional family car offers adequate speed and protection from the undead, as well as boot space to store enough supplies and makeshift weaponry to get you out of town.
However, it’s important to note that those who are most likely to escape an outbreak are those who head to higher-ground rural areas. Traditional cars do not perform well on off-road terrain, and it’s very likely that roads and motorways in particular will be jammed with cars and frantic drivers. Congratulations chump, you just joined the zombie buffet.
Created in its earliest form for military application during WW2, the modern day 4×4 is much more equipped for steep, bumpy and soggy terrains. At first glance they appear to be the ideal vehicle for escaping a city in turmoil. With greater off-road capabilities, plenty of storage space and a nice comfortable interior, what could be better than an SUV when making your exit from Crazy Town?
Unfortunately, the answer is lots of things could be better.
Many 4x4s certainly feature the horsepower and big, beefy look of a military-grade vehicle, but not all of them are made for extensive off-road usage. Also, many aren’t quite as sturdy as they first appear, sometimes scoring lower than standard family cars in required safety tests.
Fuel economy often isn’t great in these vehicles either, meaning you’ll have to stop and seek out fuel more regularly.
It’s important to closely consider your options when picking up a 4×4, it could well mean the difference between making a brisk uphill escape or becoming a stranded man-snack.
One word sums up the suitability of transit vans during a zombie outbreak: really naff.
Okay, that was two words, but the point is vans just don’t perform well in most off-road scenarios. They have poor MPG, make lots of noise and are very bulky. Imagine struggling to navigate a bumpy forest setting with a big, long van, all the while its rattling diesel engine is attracting zombie brain-munchers from the surrounding area. Not ideal…
A van would certainly be good in terms of storage for supplies or transporting extra survivors, but your aim should be to ditch this option for a vehicle well-suited to various terrains.
Buses seem like a vehicle that would be perfect for ploughing through swarms of zombies, but theoretically they’re more of a danger to the driver than they are to the living dead.
Taken out of that setting and put into a scenario that you should be in (i.e. heading to rural higher-ground areas) buses lack the manoeuvrability, speed, fuel economy or stealth required to get anywhere worth going.
Use this handy rhyme to swerve any hassle: Avoid the fuss, don’t use a bus.
If you’re alone in an outbreak area and need to leave in a hurry, motorbikes (specifically off-road dirt bikes) are easily one of the best vehicles for getting out alive. They are able to climb areas that would be otherwise inaccessible to 4 wheeled vehicles, and are fast and manoeuvrable enough to weave through a crowd of zombies.
However they do have some major downfalls. Motorbikes offer little protection from the clutches of the undead, meaning if you find yourself overrun in a sea of nastiness, you’re most likely done for. Also, their small petrol tanks mean you’ll have to plan your journey, stopping off for gas as you go.
Only experienced riders should attempt escaping on dirt bikes; while they are a stronger option, they aren’t much good if you simply topple over during a light breeze.
Mountain bikes offer the best of both worlds to lone-survivors. They pack the lightweight manoeuvrability that makes motorbikes so attractive, without the need to regularly stop off for refuelling.
Bikes require only a basic knowledge of mechanics to repair, and can be ridden through dangerous areas without making any noise at all, meaning you won’t attract the attention of any nearby zombies. Perfect for supply runs and scouting trips, mountain bikes can navigate almost all terrains, making them perfect for short trips.
Much like motorbikes however, they offer no protection from the clutches of zombies, and aren’t great for traveling long distances in one trip. Once you find a safe, secure place to call home, be sure to seek out a mountain bike for all of your supply and recon needs!
That completes our fiendishly-practical guide to fleeing the zombie apocalypse! For your chance to win some fantastic Halloween prizes, be sure to enter our Spooky Scramble, we’ve teamed up with Zombie Experience suppliers Wish.co.uk to give away a scary experience at a site near you!
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